I've made a lot of mistakes in life. I've often been accused of being unrealistic, of trying to orchestrate things in such a way that doesn't make sense to anyone else but me. I will never regret, however, removing myself from the lives of those to whom a relationship with me was no longer productive. My curse, more often than not, is fully comprehending the bigger picture even when I don't want to. I've cut ties with a lot of people over the years, both in RL and on the net, and a lot of them didn't understand or at all appreciate it. Most of them, I never let back in. It's simply easier that way, and I don't regret it. Removing myself from a situation where I was personally detrimental, and seeing that reality affirmed after a few months of no contact, I can't bring myself to be sorry. Sorry for the loses, and the sacrifices, but not the act itself. I don't do goodbyes. This is especially true of goodbyes I know won't be allowed to escape my lips if I ever dared utter them. So yes, I'm brutal and probably a little cruel by simply cutting off contact, but I know from experience how terrible it is to be chained to someone without even hearing the click of the lock. I won't apologize for allowing those that needed to grow a chance to actually do so, even if I was the only one who saw it.
This isn't regret but it is a generic sort of upset. I've always been highly retrospective, and fairly adept at figuring out what people do and do not need. It doesn't make the realization that what someone needs is for me to disappear a happy realization. I very rarely want to cut myself off from people, but sometimes it truly is necessary (and I don't mean that in a "I'm a terrible influence and soul-sucking" sort of way).
I have the sort of personality that makes me... an invisible crutch. Very few realize that they're using me as such but I can tell... I can always tell when *that* line has been breached. I don't know how it happens, or why, but it does.
I deserve all the contempt, anger, frustration, and hurt feelings from the people who get no explanation or warning. Just like I won't say that I'm sorry, I don't ask for forgiveness. I don't deserve it but I do what I do out of genuine concern and caring. I always have.
So, to the many of you who still follow this journal (plenty I'm sure without me even knowing) know that, above all else, it wasn't your fault. If you hate me and feel betrayed I understand that, and see it as more than justified. But I will not apologize for doing what had to be done.
Also know that, no matter how it appears, I do miss you.
*"A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling." Arthur Brisbane
Current Music: You'll Be In My Heart- Tarzan